my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
