you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i drank out of a bidet.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
