Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
