this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
