ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
