If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
worst night to have a conscience
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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