I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm passing your future prison.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
