The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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