shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
