could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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