So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
