I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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