Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
