do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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