ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
