Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
