Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
