His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
