life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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