Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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