I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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