Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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