At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
