I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
