Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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