you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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