I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she told me i tasted like america
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
