Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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