It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
