mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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