you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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