Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
