If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
