I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
