I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
