Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
someone threw a dead crab at me
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
