Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
