I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
