Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
he fucked my hip out of place.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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