Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
