She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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