somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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