I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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