I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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