maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
