tonight lets celebrate not being married
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
