i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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