Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
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