what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize