dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
