Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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