then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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