The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
