I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
