Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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