Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
