He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
