He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
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