The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize