I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
