I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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