I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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