Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
