Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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