She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
