I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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